The dying taught me about living. As a hospice social worker and death doula I have worked with hundreds of dying people from all walks of life. The lessons I’ve learned from the dying and their deathbed regrets have stuck with me. Over 30 years, these deathbed regrets became my guide to how I vote and how I view politicians and political issues. In this critical and divisive election year, I feel called to share my “deathbed regrets voter guide” with other voters.
I began learning from the dying in 1994 after graduating with a Master of Social Work from the University of Southern California. I became a hospice social worker and I drove all over Los Angeles County to help people from every class, race, and religion. Since I was just 32 years old and relatively young, the dying wanted to tell me what was important so that I could learn from them and avoid the regrets they were experiencing.
Throughout the years, some of these deathbed regrets shaped how I live my life, my worldview, and how I vote. Some of the dying regretted they didn’t do enough to care for their families, friends, and people in need. They stressed it is important to care about all people and to ensure that everyone’s basic needs for food, housing, healthcare, and an education are met. Some people deeply regretted valuing money and power over taking care of others. Through their businesses and work they had enacted policies that were harmful to their employees because they wanted to save money. They were haunted by their materialism and selfishness, and they told me they had done life all wrong.
Some of the regrets weren’t really the fault of the dying but more so due to the culture and values in the U.S. Most people regretted working too much and not taking time off to travel, but realistically they needed to provide for their families, and they couldn’t ask for more vacation time for fear they would lose their jobs. Some regretted that they hadn’t gone to a doctor earlier when they began to feel sick. These people didn’t have good health insurance, or they couldn’t afford the deductibles and copays, so they kept postponing seeking treatment. Now they were dying.
Looking at political candidates and issues through an end-of-life lens is not the usual way voters approach local, state, or presidential elections. But in this election year, using the deathbed regrets of my clients as my voter guide is helpful. I hear their voices as I watch, listen to, and read interviews and articles about the candidates and the issues that affect me and other voters.
Some important issues on my “deathbed regrets voter guide” include: how do the candidates view providing the basic human needs of food, housing, education, and healthcare for their constituents? Do the candidates seem like they value acquiring or maintaining massive power and privilege over caring about what their constituents truly need and want?
Do the candidates want to solve the healthcare crisis that is making people avoid treatment because it’s too expensive? Do the candidates want to make it possible for businesses and employers to better care for their employees and raise their wages? Do the candidates want to create the conditions where employers can offer more vacation time, maternity and paternity leave, and family medical and bereavement leave to their employees?
These are just a sampling of some of the issues that influence how I vote. I believe that other voters can benefit from using the “deathbed regrets voter guide” when they assess their local, state, and presidential candidates. It might just help bring about much needed and lasting change — a government more committed to meeting its citizens’ basic human needs and a more humane and compassionate society.
Creating a “deathbed regrets voter guide” is my way to honor the dying who taught me about living, but it also has meaning for all of us. It’s not just candidates who are on the ballot — this year we’re voting for our values and the type of country we want going forward. Think about that when you head to the polls in November — and don’t regret your vote.
Betsy Trapasso, MSW, is a death doula, advocate, speaker, and consultant. She is the host of the upcoming podcast “Interviews with the Influential” where she interviews politicians and other influential people about their legacies and regrets. You can follow her on betsytrapasso.com, Instagram, and Twitter (X).
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